The birth of being a responsive parent

(Originally published 10/22/2022)

Once upon a time, in a not so distant past, I was someone who reacted.

I reacted to people’s negative feelings by taking responsibility for them.

I reacted to life by taking quick action.

I believed I was just taking care of business, like a boss b*itch mama.

After my second divorce was finalized I had an epiphany

I was the common thread in these relationships.

I needed to examine wtf is going on inside of me.

It’s been over five years since that pivotal time. Between therapy and coaching, I have completely transformed, and my parenting is vastly different.

The relationship I have with myself is different.

There’s been SO much that I’ve learned.

One of the most valuable skills I have acquired is the art of responding versus reacting: developing the skill of responding. But what’s the difference?

Responding originates from the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational thought and planning. It's thoughtful and deliberate. On the other hand, reacting stems from the amygdala, the brain's fear center, and tends to be impulsive and urgent.

Responding is thoughtful.

Reacting usually comes from a place of urgency.

Let's paint a clearer picture with an example...

Imagine receiving an email from your teenager's high school, informing you that they're failing a class or two. Your immediate reaction might be to send a fiery text, grounding them on the spot.

But let's pause and consider another approach.

First, let’s get curious about what is happening in your body. This is simply gathering information about sensations in your body. Identify the emotions coursing through your body. Anger, shock, and fear may be swirling within you. Anger might manifest as a flushed face and a pounding chest, while shock could bring numbness. Fear may feel like a heavy weight in your gut.

Next, pinpoint the thoughts driving these emotions. "He's in so much trouble!" could fuel anger, while "I can't believe this is happening!" might evoke shock. Fear may arise from thoughts like "He's going to fail out of high school, and it's all my fault."

Now, it's time to process these emotions. Allow yourself to sit with them, without judgment. And purposely tell yourself it’s okay to slow down.

Take a few deep breaths and acknowledge how you're feeling and why.

This moment of reflection empowers you to move forward in a way that aligns with your values, without succumbing to guilt or knee-jerk reactions.

By slowing down and understanding our emotions, we reclaim control over how we respond to life's challenges. We can navigate situations with intention and integrity, leaving behind the regret of hasty reactions.