Musings of parenting & the teenage brain
(Originally published 8/3/2022)
I recently had a profound realization about parenting my teenager.
My 16-year-old is embodying all the classic signs of being a teenager.
How human of him!
But instead of recognizing his behavior as normal, I created a problem in my mind.
Here are some thoughts I convinced myself were undeniable facts:
He's creating distance between us.
He doesn't want to engage or talk like he used to.
He's more focused on his friends and dating than on our family.
In my mind, his behavior meant that I wasn't creating a safe space for him to share. I had this grandiose idea that I could outsmart the parenting system and build such an incredible foundation of love, openness, honesty, and respect that he would never feel the need to pull away. I wanted external validation that I was doing a great job as a mom.
But here's the kicker: I preach to other parents that they can't measure their worth by their kids' actions.
Yet, I caught myself falling into that trap.
Teenage behavior may seem baffling from the outside, but it's entirely normal. It's a crucial phase of development during which teens assert their independence and autonomy.
This doesn't mean they don't need us.
It means they're growing.
This stage of parenting requires a different approach, which is why I'm sharing this story. When our children change or have different needs, we must embrace flexibility, curiosity, and self-reflection.
It doesn't make us bad parents.
It means we're adapting.
Here's what I've been doing differently:
I am seeking resources from my son's therapist.
Allowing him to go on dates with his girlfriend and have friends over.
Maintaining boundaries around chores.
Allowing myself to feel all the emotions.
We recognized that our conversations were transactional and implemented a game where we ask open-ended questions before making requests.
Scheduling doctor appointments out of care instead of obligation.
I'm approaching this with more love and understanding for myself and him. I'm embracing curiosity and discomfort as I try new parenting strategies. I'm showing up imperfectly, and that's something to be proud of.
