The Root of suffering

(Originally published 11/16/2022)

I see so many parents and family members projecting their own disappointment onto their children, and it's disheartening.

The story you concoct in your mind about who you want your child to be—how they excel in math, their prowess in sports, their circle of friends, their fashion choices—is all your narrative.

And if this fabricated tale doesn't unfold as expected, the disappointment is yours to own.

Let's be real here. When we become parents, we're overflowing with hopes and dreams for our children. That's perfectly natural.

But when reality diverges from our fantasies—which, let's face it, happens a lot—it doesn't signify a flaw in our child or a catastrophic misstep in parenting. It simply means they are individuals.

Let me reiterate that for emphasis: It doesn't mean anything is wrong with your child or that something went terribly awry. It simply means they are their own person.

Your child isn't here to mirror you, rectify your childhood disappointments, or validate your parenting skills. Heck, they didn't even ask to be born!

So why do parents pile all this pressure on their kids?

For starters, many aren't even aware they're doing it. That's precisely why it's crucial to spotlight this issue.

Moreover, societal norms dictate that our children reflect well upon us as parents. We're applauded if they adhere to the tidy, well-mannered archetype (read: the patriarchal ideal). But we're met with judgment and scrutiny if they deviate from this norm—by being highly sensitive, non-conforming, or struggling in school.

Let's not forget the role of patriarchal systems in perpetuating these norms, ingraining them deeply within us despite their outdated and nonsensical nature.

Speaking from recent experience, a family member refused to acknowledge my 9-year-old's nonbinary identity, insisting they were "too young" to know themselves. Beneath this patriarchal and paternalistic stance lies discomfort and rigid adherence to gender binaries. It's okay to feel uncomfortable, but it's not okay to invalidate someone's identity for your comfort.

The antidote?

Feel your disappointment fully, but don't deflect blame onto others. Don't act out of anger, resentment, or disappointment. Process your emotions with clarity and love before deciding how to proceed.

Give yourself permission to feel disappointed. Just as I felt let down when my favorite restaurant ran out of eggplant fries or when my child decided to drop Algebra 2. Disappointment is normal. Grieving the loss of what we wanted is normal.

But berating yourself or lashing out at your child? That's a hard no.

Our children owe us nothing. They are complete individuals with their own personalities. Let's embrace that.